Nana and Papa bought the kids tickets to see Phineas and Ferb live at the Palace Theater. Because Phineas and Ferb on the Disney channel is not annoying enough, they created a live show in a musical theater format to further torment parents everywhere. Myself included.
Since this was my kids first experience with live theater, I had coached them on what to expect. They handed their tickets to the ticket taker. They listened to the usher as she showed us the way to our floor seats.
I made them pose for the mandatory photos to commemorate the day. Perhaps someday, they will lovingly recollect on the show that got them hooked on live theater? Fingers crossed.
While Jeff was busy in Atlanta, Argenida and I schlepped the kids downtown for the 3:00 show. After we paid for parking and took all four to the bathroom, we entered the lobby where dollar signs flashed before my eyes. I knew there would be a plethora of made in China crap for sale, but honestly, even I was stunned at the pure onslaught of options. Every where we looked they were hocking Phineas and Ferb merchandise,
and by merchandise I mean overpriced plastic shit and cheap tee shirts. Disney knows how to market to their target audience, literally.
What I did not prep them on was the unexpected intermission about 11 minutes into the show. This is what I sawbefore the overwhelming smell of fresh hurl was wafting through the theater. A kid a few rows up had projectile ralphed all over the place causing a panic and forcing parents and kids into the aisles. This was the obvious difference between the hell that is watching Phineas and Ferb on television, versus being in a crowded auditorium with others. There is no substitute for the special effects of real spew.
As one of the staff members sprinkled puke soaker pellets and sprayed disinfectant all over, the custodial team did the hard clean up. I asked permission
to take these photos for proof that I survived Phineas and Ferb live with a random 3D effect in technicolor yawn. The gal in the photo laughed when I explained that I needed photographic proof that my husband, "OWED ME BIG TIME" for these good times, ohhhh, good times indeed.
I wondered back into the lobby during this brief hiatus only to find the mother of the vomitroid child gabbing with the ushers. When I overheard her say, "Well, they sent him home from school this morning because he threw up twice, but he kept his lunch down just fine until a few minutes ago." Ummmmmm, really? I wanted to chime in and tell her I was giving her my recently awarded "MOTHER OF THE YEAR" trophy, but instead, I bit my tongue and dreamed of febreeze, sunshine, rainbows, lollipops and unicorns. It was either that or slam her absurd face into the evil parent eliminator designed by Dr. Doofenschmertz. I made the right call.
In all fairness to the cast and production team, the show itself
was decent. Given the content and target audience, it was a nice way to introduce kids to all things live, dancing, stage and set, in person.
The voice overs were painful. If you thought Candace has a whiny ass drawl on Disney, it is magnified and amplified in the live show, not in a good way. Somethings never change, and the nails on the chalkboard that is all things Candace is made worse with a wireless mike.
I was mildly disturbed when Candace belted out her solo song, ESS- EYE-EMMM-PEE, S-i-m-p, squirrels in my pants.
It was part hip-hop, part rap, and pure torture.
So if you are reading this when high hopes of someday taking your brood to see a Disney Live show, here are my two cents. Have someone else fund the experience, talk endlessly in advance about expectations, take all the patrons to the bathroom before the show starts, be prepared to fork over a small fortune if you are generous enough to by the limited edition souvenir toys. Souvenir is the french word for rip off. So, forget a fire drill....you will need to know where to go in the case of a projectile barfing scenario.
Enjoy the show!
In case you are curious, I did consult the Urban Dictionary for various terms to use in this post. When I entered vomit into the home page search engine, I smiled at all of the thesauraus like choices.
toss your cookies
lose your lunch
toss a sidewalk pizza
tango with the toilet
make modern art in the toilet
have a technicolor yawn
expunge the contents of your stomach
bare your guts to the world
become a multicolored organic fountain
revisit your breakfast
vomit your victuals
drive the porcelain bus
perform peristaltic pyrotechnics
paint the town red.. and green and orange and pink
have to say "that tasted better going down than coming up"
burp to the ninth power
make the janitor get out the ol’ sawdust bucket
find out just how acidic your stomach contents are
greet your guts
pray to the porcelain god
YOU ARE WELCOME!
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