Thursday, November 24, 2011

I am a Big Fraud

This is a post that has been in draft mode for too long. I have tried to update the blog with the latest and greatest, but there has been a lack of greatness and a shortage of attention to detail. Since some of you have asked what is going on over here, I felt it necessary to get caught up, even if it is not all sunshine and roses.

Up until recently I have had my act semi together. I have been a full time mom, blogger, wife, gluten free chef, school transportation engineer, laundress, photographer, stylist, and bargain hunter and a half assed scrapbooker. With all these full time jobs it was wonder I was able to sustain the optical illusion that I was even close to being superwoman.

The truth is, now that I have a full time job on top of the above work load, I have lost my mojo. I am a fraud. Anyone who believes I am keeping my shit together is delusional. I am the first one to tell it like it is, and it is not good over here.

Let's see.... since my random hiatus from blogging, I have had more than my fair share of blog worthy events. I have not posted any details of the drama because no one likes a pity party. This blog is a breezy, sarcastic look at my crazy life and believe me, it has been so crazy that it is actually, unbelievable.

Even if I tried to blow smoke up your ass with sunshine, rainbows and leprechauns, I could not pull it off. Without admitting all the behind the scenes, real life chaos, I would be further perpetuating the fraud and illusion. I am all for smoke and mirrors when it comes to dressing slimmer or looking like you spent a fortune when you are on a budget, but these revelations are beyond sarcasm and witty rapport.

It is time to come clean. Without further delay, I have not been updating the blog in a timely manner because I am overwhelmed.

I am working full time at Saks because I HAVE TO WORK. Jeff lost his job over a month ago, and it means I am working to provide us with health benefits and a safety net. As much as I love working at Saks, the simple truth is, I wish I did not HAVE TO work there, but I am glad I do.

I feel like a total fraud when my co-workers marvel at my ability to show up for work on time, dressed to the nines with hair and make-up, knowing I have a big family to manage. These co-workers are easily fooled because they only see the pretty side of the story. The not so pretty picture is at home, where there are dirty breakfast dishes left in the sink all day, laundry piled up in various stages in the utility room, and stacks of unopened mail awaiting moderation. This is in addition to all the coupons I have printed and clipped, but have yet to file in my binder. Now that we are minus Jeff's paycheck, it is even more crucial that I keep up with the coupons and savings. My house is more disorganized than ever before, if that is even possible.

Let's not forget that my position is 37.5 hours a week in the store. Add to that the drive time to and from (45 minutes a day), traffic and weather related delays, extra promotional events after hours in the store, and the upcoming holiday season of extended retail hours. This leaves little down time for blogging, baking and being the old Helene.

While I am working outside the home, there are areas that are suffering. This includes the dogs; that are pissing and shitting all willy nilly in the house because they are accustomed to going outside when ever they pleased while I was around. But now that I am gone all day, they wait as long as possible, and then they go. Inside. They go, I am gone, it is gross.

Factor into the insanity that Argenida has decided to go home to Panama from December 5-28 to see her family and spend Christmas with them. While I respect her need to see them, the timing is completely wrong with relation to my schedule during the holidays. This basically means that I am working ridiculous hours, the kids are on break from school for two of the three weeks Argenida will be away, and I am sans a child care provider during my busiest time of the year. Jeff has been picking up the slack and I am grateful for his contribution. He does not micromanage tasks in his sleep like I do, and there are obvious differences in our parenting style.

I totally know that I could never be a single parent. As much as I bitch and moan about his lack of interest in organization in the household duties, Jeff is doing the best he can under the circumstances. Sadly, his best is not even close to being good enough to keep us current while I am working.

This shift of responsibilities is happening while Jeff is actively seeking a new job. As seen on the dining room table, which now resembles a small employment center. There are stacks of resumes, a printer, a laptop, envelopes, stamps, and all kinds of lists of applications and correspondence. Clearly, the goal is for him to get interviews, that lead to a position. For the last three weeks he has been fortunate enough to have interviews in Atlanta and Dallas- leaving me to shuffle kids to and from school somehow. Jeff's absence has further confirmed that I could not be a single parent for more than a week, ten days tops.

I am at my wits end. The kids are eating Amy's GF Frozen macaroni and cheese for dinner on a regular basis, the carved Jack-o-lantern is rotting on the front porch, and any free time I get is spent trying to pick up the pieces in small doses. I have given in to the fact that I am a complete fraud on the world wide web.

In short, I am getting caught up and coming clean with the cold truth of the matter. It would be easier to make some shit up, lie and continue to play nicely on the blog, but quite frankly, I do not have the time or energy to do it. So there you have it. No cutesy photos of matching multiples, no recipes for homemade meals, no fake smiles and paragraphs with poetry and puns.

It is out there. I am giving up the dream of having a clean house, a face that is well rested and free from under eye bags, and a enough disposable income to actually use my employee discount.

9 comments:

bearie1 said...

Sorry about Jeff's job. For some reason I thought he was self-employed. Guess I was wrong. Hope he finds something sooner than soon. I'd say "this too will pass" but it doesn't make it any easier right now. Keep your sense of humor and head above water. Maybe you could get a doggie door. Or is your yard not fenced? Elaine

Edward said...

....of course, you will get thousands of new stories and adventures to replenish the well for when you DO find a moment! So they won't be current stories when you tell them...who cares...they will still showcase your amazing and inspired family!

Hang in there. I'm quite certain anyone who writes or reads regularly updated blogs FULLY UNDERSTAND!!!

Best wishes for speedy re-employment for your husband.

Helene said...

Jeff sold his company to another, and they basically defaulted on the agreement and terminated his contract, it was no surprise given their financial problems.

As for the doggie door, we have an invisible fence system but that does not protect our pooches from others who may wander into our yard. Besides, Penny is not trained on the collar because I have not spent the money on new batteries. Talk about lame.

So I am picking up shit in the house instead of forking over $17 and a few days of my time to train her. GAH!

asrubin10 said...

we need to catch up...

fyi-atlanta's not really on my list of places to consider, but dallas is our #1 destination! move there so we can live near each other in 10 years :)

instant student said...

New reader here...
I am just glad you did not give up blogging all together now that I found your blog and spent some time reading all the old entries.
I was kind of worried when there was no new post for 3 weeks.

I am sorry about Jeff's job.
I hope he finds something soon!
I would not let the dogs run free or with one of those collars, as you said, something could happen to them.
Would it be an option to have some neighbor's kid come over and walk them once a day, like around noon?

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear. I hope things turn around really quickly.
I admire your courage in sharing this with your readers.

Melanie said...

1. Sorry about Jeff's job. To quote my kids, that sucks monkey butt.
2. You are not a fraud. A fraud would pretend that you stil have your shit together and blow color coordinated smoke up our asses. You are honest and that is way cooler than someone who is trying to pretend that they know what they are doing. And let's face it, none of us really know what they are doing. From one working mom to the next, your kids don't care what thy eat as long as they like it, the dogs are going to poop anyway and maybe a crate or some baby gates to keep them in the kitchen for now is better than nothing. And the dishes will wait. I currently have a sink full right now, and it was those or decorate the tree with the kids.
3. If I lived closer, I would totally take those munchkins for a day and let six six year olds plus one destroy my house so you can nap, clean, cut coupons, or just fix a drink and a bath.
4. I'm going to do the dishes now in hopes that my husband falls asleep because his plans are one thing I don't want to cross off my list.
5. My company had some marketing positions open a while ago. I will try to look tomorrow and email them to you. Remind me if I don't.

Anonymous said...

Helene,
I'm sorry to hear about Jeff's job and that things are so challenging right now. You are very brave to do what you need to do for your family. Please don't feel like a fraud...you are an amazingly capable woman. I hope things improve quickly for you.
Best,
Chrissy

Carrie said...

I just went back to work as an Autistic Support teacher. My students can not make it in the regular Ed setting due to behavioral issues. My husband does little for the family but I do love him. I have no prep time at work, so it all come home and the baby gets up to nurse around 4:30 am frequently. I only have two kids but I can sort of commiserate!

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