Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Get Outta The &%$#@*! Road

This week we have had grey and gloomy weather. During the brief moment when the clouds parted and the rain stopped, I took the kids outside to maximize the 4 minutes of decent weather. It was a nice break while it lasted.

As I was busy doing lord knows what, the kids were scootering, digging for worms, gathering porcupine poop and frolicking in the wind. Jeff came outside and immediately started freaking out.

In his loudest, meanest and most scary voice, he shrieked, "GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN ROAD. WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO RIDE YOUR BIKE IN THE STREET? HELENE, LOOK AT THIS, HE IS RIDING HIS BIKE IN THE GODDAMN ROAD. GET OUTTA THE STREET RIGHT THIS SECOND! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I SAID GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN STREET!"

It was at this precise moment that I looked up and saw our neighbor, and his 7 year old grandson Ian, riding bikes together. I took one look at Jeff and said, "You do realize that is not our kid, right?"

OOPS.

So I immediately apologized to Ian and his grandfather. I could not believe Jeff thought that was our child. First, he is vastly larger than Eli, and was riding a two wheeler. We do not own any two wheelers with or without training wheels. Second, It should have seemed odd that there was some older dude riding along side "our son" as in, who in hell is riding bikes with Eli? Stranger danger much?

Additionally, any mother who had stumbled upon the same scenario as Jeff would have taken one look at the kid's coat, shoes, and helmet and realized, hmmmm, that is not one of ours. I instantly knew it was not one of our children. Split second instantly knew.

This was obviously not one of Jeff's proudest parenting moments. Fortunately, our neighbor completely understood the confusion. He said, "You guys have plenty of kids, so I assumed he thought it was one of yours." I nodded and re-assured Ian that the Daddy that lives in this house is a crazy man.

So, if you dare to ride bikes around our house, be sure to distinguish yourself from one of our many, many, little people. Perhaps a neon vest that says I AM NOT A SLUTSKY? Better yet, just stay outta the %$#@%!* road!

5 comments:

daCheez/Zoltan said...

Without Dads - where the hell is the humor?? LOL - This post made me smile - thank you for that! Gotta love those Dads :)

Helene Eichenwald Slutsky said...

I know, after I calmed down I laughed too. It was three hours later, but still funny.

Now the story lives on in the internet. Muhahahhahaaa

Carrie said...

Oh my! I read your blog all the time, and I have to say this is one of many that I have laughed out loud at! That is hilarious!

jessica said...

That is hysterical! I am sure you were melting in pure embarrassment! Such a *dad* thing.. My husband has looked out and yelled at a kid more then once only to soon realize it was a neighbor kid!

Got Triplets? said...

Holy COW! That is one of the funniest stories I have read in a looong time.

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