Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Toys we won't be buying this year

I made a huge mistake. I took the triplets with me to Target this week under the guise of buying another Booster car seat for the van. We had a rain check on the third seat and it was finally back in stock. I had to go pick it up, and the timing made sense to stop after kindergarten pick up but before preschool pick up.

Of course I was high on cinnamon latte at the time, and did not realize the toy department at Target had been relocated near the aisles and front end of the store. Merry Effing Christmas to me, I have three, five year olds, a rain check and no patience. I had to forcibly restrain the kids inside a shopping cart in order to make my way to the car seats. It was like every single toy was calling their names- oooooh, we want this, we saw that on t.v., can we buy just this one? I had not a shred of guilt for saying NO, just the booster seat today guys, just the blasted booster seat.

Here are the examples of the crappy, Made in China toys that were tempting my tots. I can assure you, we won't be buying any of them this season, or next season, or ever.

Meet Totally Styling, Tattoo Barbie. This skanky doll comes with self adhesive tattoos for the trailer park look. She is $21.99 but looks like a ten dollar hoe, and really, what girl does not want to be a tacky tatted tart?
She has the ability to wear her KEN heart tramp stamp and daisy duke shorts. Ummmm, No thanks.

Introducing, Sugar’s Daddy Ken. He’s part of a douche bag line of Palm Beach style dolls.Mattel says the “Sugar” refers to the West Highland Terrier that comes with Barbie’s metrosexual boyfriend. Unfortunately, the play on words phrasing is not so funny if you have ever seen the real life Ken Dolls prancing around in Palm Beach with their 30 years younger, botox, boobie babes. Hello, I stay at the Breakers at least once a year, I know what I am talking about here. Regardless, poor Eli is already a bit gender confused, and buying him this boy doll will not be helping matters. Not that there is anything wrong with that! Again, we will pass on the Sugar's Daddy Ken Doll or whatever the hell you want to call him.

I am all for educational toys, and creative play. When it comes to helping my children learn about their futures, I am all for it. Natalie aspires to be a chef, and I have purchased kitchen toys, aprons and I encourage her to cook in our real kitchen. What mother wants her little girl to become a stripper? Do parents go out, buy this dolland hope that someday, little Susie will become a pole dancer, stripper, exotic dancer or work at a gentleman's club? I am horrified. Sadly, there are idiots making these sick products.

Speaking of dolls, this is one that we simply do not need around here. The Furreal a go go pup is an electronic dog that walks along any surface.
This seems to be a robotic, annoying pet. It is fifty bucks, and for that price you can adopt a for real fur real dog. Hells no, we have two living and breathing Jack Russell Terriers, do you think they would welcome a fifty dollar stuffed dog that walks? Sure they would, as they played tug of war with the thing and chewed it to bits. Oy, no way. No way in hell.

For a mere $69.99 you can buy an annoying stationery bike from Fisher Price. I am sorry, but what parent wants their kid to pedal round and round in the family room while watching some interactive bullshit on the television screen?
As if you have to encourage the little bastards to work out while playing video games? Isn't the whole point of buying a bike, so that the little freaks will go outside and play, get fresh air, and find other children to play with? I am not sure of the point of this contraption. If I really wanted the kids to work out and burn calories riding an indoor stationary bike, I would take the laundry off of Jeff's unused work out bike, and let them pedal away. Seriously, what kid would even want this contraption at any price? When kids ask for a bike, I doubt they want to use this. The obvious plus side is that you would not have to buy a bike lock and worry about anyone stealing this piece of crap. Ewww, not good.

As if sarcasm were not an issue, we saw the Crocodile Dentist toy.
For when real life meets play time we have a poor plastic old croc that has a tooth that's bothering him, so my kids can pretend to be a dentist-- when they press the wrong tooth the toy will surprise them, and chomp on their fingers, or perhaps this toy could be more realistic and surprise them with a bill for extractions, root canals, and sedation at Children's Hospital? This toy seemed a little too close for comfort in my humble opinion. Perhaps if they had a plastic surgery pony or a eye surgeon elephant I would get on board.

There are others too numerous to mention. My kids will not be getting any toys with more than 25 pieces. They won't be sporting any toys that require adult supervision either. Lord only knows we have enough real life items that should have, but do not get enough supervision. And as for toys that eat, crap or produce bodily fluids, ummmm, no go. We have enough of that already.

There is one "toy" that Jeff and I discovered in the lunchroom of the Chanel School. It is an electric traffic light that is used for noise control,aptly named the Yacker Tracker. The kids watch the illuminated stop light, and they adjust their voices accordingly. When the sound of the room is at the acceptable level, the light is green, but when the sound increases to a nearly naughty level, the light changes to yellow. No one wants the light to turn red, the kids of course, aim to please and keep their voices down to avoid the light turning red, which would indicate that they are out of control with the noise level. Whatever the cost, Jeff and I are getting one of these in our kitchen. It's a must have this holiday season!

Note to Papa, do not get any wild ideas about buying noise making toys, toys that make a huge mess, or any sets with a gazillion parts. Pay backs are hell, I am just saying.


Anonymous said...

So are you saying that all women with tattoos skanky? Or does this somehow just apply to the barbie?

Helene Eichenwald Slutsky said...

Not all tattoos are skanky , it is just the 50 year old plastic princess herself. I reserve the right to be judgemental on my blog because I can. This is one toy my kids won't get.

As for real life ink, I can appreciate them on a case by case basis.

Alice said...

OMG...the pole dancing doll is freaking me out and the tatoo Barbie is almost just as bad. They totally look like something my MIL will pick up because she as a phenomenal lack of good judgement. If they go on clearance in January, they are a sure bet from her for next year!

But, but, but...the Smart Cycle Helene? C'mon, that is a good thing for indoor activities in the winter. I bought mine on 50% clearance and the cartridges for $10.00 last year and am actually very excited about it! We have a Fisher Price activity mat that they run and jump on whilst counting, etc...very educational! Of course, it is not in lieu of real bikes and outdoor activity, and I would not even consider paying full price. I deplore sets with small pieces. Once again, my MIL will see to it that we get plenty of those!

Anonymous said...

Wow, someone is a bit stuck-up.

Larry Winget said...

Dear Anonymous, Helene stuck up? Hardly. It's HER blog and HER opinion and that's why people read it. It's also funny, which requires a sense of humor to recognize and appreciate. I think the entire blog is priceless and hilarious. The real point is that parenting requires saying NO and having opinions and imposing discipline and not giving in to every ridiculous whim of a child. Too many five year olds run their family. Not so with the Slutsky's!!!

Helene Eichenwald Slutsky said...

Alice, I guess I never thought of the bike as an indoor toy for Winter. It is probably because I am always looking for an excuse to kick the kids outside for activity and peace loving harmony. I am a stuck up parent, with morals, values and a wicked sense of sarcasm, so I guess if the Cycle was on silent mode I would consider it- so long as I did not have to pay $70.

Anon- thanks for starting the Larry Winget shit storm. I do love me some Larry

aidan said...

You are hilarious! And I think I love you. We're totally on the same wavelength. love the sarcasm, not lost on me.

The Wright Trips said...

Now hold up. I am a proud mama with tattoos & I don't live in a trailer park. And I wouldn't call myself tacky, either. I just love the look of beautiful body art. Yes, I do agree that not all tattoos on people are beautiful,but I definitely wouldn't consider myself a skank. I don't have enough time on my hands to add that to my list of names ;)

And by the way, I have the infamous "tramp stamp" as well, but I got that way before it was labeled & before it became the most popular place for a woman to get a tattoo. Plus, with my big fat triplet belly, it isn't like I wear shirts short enough or jeans low enough to show it. Now, if I had a tummy tuck & lost about 80 lbs, than maybe I would proudly display my tramp stamp.

Helene Eichenwald Slutsky said...

No worries Mama Wright, I do love tattoos, just not on me or on a friggin barbie doll.

I have a daughter that is sporting a large butterfly tattoo on her shoulder, and some of my dearest friends have them too- not all of my friends are skanks- ha ha, just some of them.

I associate body art as tats, piercings, extensions, implants, botox and all other elective enhancements- they are fine- to each his own, kwim?

I would never tell someone that we could not be friends because they had a tattoo, or a third eyeball- but on a doll, not happening at my house.

Ask Larry Winget to show you some tattoos, he is the Pitbull of Personal development for a reason.

The Husband said...

I don't know dear. Maybe we can rethink the pole dancing thing. You know, we just started training on the on the Bo Staff in karate class and I do believe one could double for a dance routine. I'll ask Sensei and see if that's okay.

Shelly (Maya's mom) said...

I think we can go in together on the pole dancer barbie - then when we are both called into Mrs. Sapp's office for our daughters knowing how to pole dance at 5 years old - we can both claim triplet insanity! I mean really? Pole dancing for little girls? I just threw up a little!

Gary Foster & Sue Wilson said...

I totally agree ... so much 'tat' about for this, let's have a good time and like each other facade called Christmas - why can't people just like people who they like ... full stop!

Antonia from the UK said...

I'm completely with you on the tattoos - on dolls and in real life - but Crocodile Dentist? That's awesome and I have many happy memories of the suspense as to when the thing's going to clamp its jaws shut. Fabulous fun!

Helene Eichenwald Slutsky said...

Hey Antonia, the croc toy would be hilarious fun if my kids did not require $5K worth of dental surgery and care this year- two of the three triplets have the curse of teeth that did not seal, and are are basically horrid. I am not sure how much that would cost in the UK, but here in the good old US of A, I could have bought a nice old weekend fun MGB with that kind of dough.

Good toy, bad timing at our house.

Sabrina said...


Oye you are SO RIGHT about the Smart Cycle! My parents picked up one for our kids last year. They "rode it" for maybe the first 2 weeks, then flipped it over, beat on it, tripped over it, etc...for the next 10 months. Someone either cut the cord, or chewed through it, so we just threw it away last week. Talk about the most obnoxious, annoying, pointless "toy" ever...I hated it from the get-go and said ABSOLUTELY NOT...but as usual, they weren't listening. This year we're hoping for more gift certificates to the craft store and hockey tickets for our son.

Antonia from the UK said...

Sorry to hear about the dental nightmare. Over here that would almost certainly be free. Both my girls were lucky enough to get cosmetic orthodontic treatment on the National Health. To be honest, that seems a scandal to me since it's hardly essential. But, on the other hand, I didn't offer to pay!

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