I made a huge mistake. I took the triplets with me to Target this week under the guise of buying another Booster car seat for the van. We had a rain check on the third seat and it was finally back in stock. I had to go pick it up, and the timing made sense to stop after kindergarten pick up but before preschool pick up.
Of course I was high on cinnamon latte at the time, and did not realize the toy department at Target had been relocated near the aisles and front end of the store. Merry Effing Christmas to me, I have three, five year olds, a rain check and no patience. I had to forcibly restrain the kids inside a shopping cart in order to make my way to the car seats. It was like every single toy was calling their names- oooooh, we want this, we saw that on t.v., can we buy just this one? I had not a shred of guilt for saying NO, just the booster seat today guys, just the blasted booster seat.
Here are the examples of the crappy, Made in China toys that were tempting my tots. I can assure you, we won't be buying any of them this season, or next season, or ever.
Meet Totally Styling, Tattoo Barbie. This skanky doll comes with self adhesive tattoos for the trailer park look. She is $21.99 but looks like a ten dollar hoe, and really, what girl does not want to be a tacky tatted tart?
She has the ability to wear her KEN heart tramp stamp and daisy duke shorts. Ummmm, No thanks.
Introducing, Sugar’s Daddy Ken. He’s part of a douche bag line of Palm Beach style dolls.Mattel says the “Sugar” refers to the West Highland Terrier that comes with Barbie’s metrosexual boyfriend. Unfortunately, the play on words phrasing is not so funny if you have ever seen the real life Ken Dolls prancing around in Palm Beach with their 30 years younger, botox, boobie babes. Hello, I stay at the Breakers at least once a year, I know what I am talking about here. Regardless, poor Eli is already a bit gender confused, and buying him this boy doll will not be helping matters. Not that there is anything wrong with that! Again, we will pass on the Sugar's Daddy Ken Doll or whatever the hell you want to call him.
I am all for educational toys, and creative play. When it comes to helping my children learn about their futures, I am all for it. Natalie aspires to be a chef, and I have purchased kitchen toys, aprons and I encourage her to cook in our real kitchen. What mother wants her little girl to become a stripper? Do parents go out, buy this dolland hope that someday, little Susie will become a pole dancer, stripper, exotic dancer or work at a gentleman's club? I am horrified. Sadly, there are idiots making these sick products.
Speaking of dolls, this is one that we simply do not need around here. The Furreal a go go pup is an electronic dog that walks along any surface.
This seems to be a robotic, annoying pet. It is fifty bucks, and for that price you can adopt a for real fur real dog. Hells no, we have two living and breathing Jack Russell Terriers, do you think they would welcome a fifty dollar stuffed dog that walks? Sure they would, as they played tug of war with the thing and chewed it to bits. Oy, no way. No way in hell.
For a mere $69.99 you can buy an annoying stationery bike from Fisher Price. I am sorry, but what parent wants their kid to pedal round and round in the family room while watching some interactive bullshit on the television screen?
As if you have to encourage the little bastards to work out while playing video games? Isn't the whole point of buying a bike, so that the little freaks will go outside and play, get fresh air, and find other children to play with? I am not sure of the point of this contraption. If I really wanted the kids to work out and burn calories riding an indoor stationary bike, I would take the laundry off of Jeff's unused work out bike, and let them pedal away. Seriously, what kid would even want this contraption at any price? When kids ask for a bike, I doubt they want to use this. The obvious plus side is that you would not have to buy a bike lock and worry about anyone stealing this piece of crap. Ewww, not good.
As if sarcasm were not an issue, we saw the Crocodile Dentist toy.
For when real life meets play time we have a poor plastic old croc that has a tooth that's bothering him, so my kids can pretend to be a dentist-- when they press the wrong tooth the toy will surprise them, and chomp on their fingers, or perhaps this toy could be more realistic and surprise them with a bill for extractions, root canals, and sedation at Children's Hospital? This toy seemed a little too close for comfort in my humble opinion. Perhaps if they had a plastic surgery pony or a eye surgeon elephant I would get on board.
There are others too numerous to mention. My kids will not be getting any toys with more than 25 pieces. They won't be sporting any toys that require adult supervision either. Lord only knows we have enough real life items that should have, but do not get enough supervision. And as for toys that eat, crap or produce bodily fluids, ummmm, no go. We have enough of that already.
There is one "toy" that Jeff and I discovered in the lunchroom of the Chanel School. It is an electric traffic light that is used for noise control,aptly named the Yacker Tracker. The kids watch the illuminated stop light, and they adjust their voices accordingly. When the sound of the room is at the acceptable level, the light is green, but when the sound increases to a nearly naughty level, the light changes to yellow. No one wants the light to turn red, the kids of course, aim to please and keep their voices down to avoid the light turning red, which would indicate that they are out of control with the noise level. Whatever the cost, Jeff and I are getting one of these in our kitchen. It's a must have this holiday season!
Note to Papa, do not get any wild ideas about buying noise making toys, toys that make a huge mess, or any sets with a gazillion parts. Pay backs are hell, I am just saying.
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- The Remarks and Speeches
- The Witching Hour
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- Florida's Festival Flea Market Finds
- Pat Down and Catch Up
- Free Glasses and BOGO holiday coffee at Starbucks
- Going to Great Lengths
- Disgusting Observations
- The Toys we won't be buying this year
- My Sneak Peek
- This is how I roll
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- Kaleidoscope with the Cousins
- I'm Back, the Readers Digest Edition
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