Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Speaking of the Hoo Hah

In a previous blog post this month, I focused on the newest stylings in blinging vaginas, called Vajazzling. I have discovered there are more ways than one to remodel and make over the area down under.

My male readers skip to the last product because prior merchandise offerings are going to make you queasy.(periods and sanitary products are mentioned)

You have been warned guys, go to the end of the post for the product about vaginas that is created just for you!

After reading Cosmo magazine, (no, I really do not have time, but I was in a waiting room, and I was desperate for anything to read other than Pregnancy Today or Your Pregnancy) I learned there are other methods of setting yourself apart and expressing your own sense of style, in the pubic zone. Who knew?

Clearly, I am behind the times folks. I did not even know about this stuff. To me, the ever so often but not often enough bikini wax was it.

Here are the highlights on the most current trends in vaginas. Well, not necessary IN vaginas, but about vaginas.

You can read all about vajazzling right here, my repeat readers are already aware of the blinging of the cooch region.

Vattooing-Bikini Ink
Since there is no way in HELL I would get a tattoo, especially anywhere near my hoo ha, I am pleased to know there are temporary tattoos, created especially for your vag! There are day spas and salons offering vattooing. Following your painful and expensive Brazilian, you can get a temporary air brushed tattoo that lasts for five whole days! It’s only a $115 plus tax and gratuity. You don't want to be that chick that does not tip, imagine the rumor mill, we all know waxing technicians LOVE to talk about their clients. Not tipping for your vattoo is taboo.

Perhaps those of us on a budget can use the self applied method that looks just as good. All you need is some nasty nair, a package of temporary tattoos from the dollar store, (you know the kind that only come off with alcohol and a brillo pad) and a hand held mirror! I guess I could borrow some temporary tatts from my triplets and give it a whirl? I think I have a packet of Hello Kitty temporary tattoos around here. I can only imagine the insane laughter when Jeff notices that my girlie parts have a pussy on them. He will be shouting, HELLLLLOOOOOO kitty kitty as he mocks my sense of humor and irony.

Oh Panty Oh!
After a few kids and the aftermath of giving birth, there are the famous kegel exercises. We’ve all heard of working out, cough, cough: down there! Well PantyO underwear brings toning your twat to a whole new and improved level. In each pair of $125 underwear,


there is a sewn in 1-inch extension (plug???) which is inserted into the vagina when you wear it. This supposedly gives you something to focus on when doing your kegels. We need a focus?

The website even claims that doing kegels with this extension relieves stress. REVELATION! Oh YES, serenity now! But what happens when you’re really stressed while toting tots in your swagger wagon, and you are stuck in traffic with kids screaming and cars honking? What if you attempt to relieve the tension and tighten your coochie by just squeezing and squeezing? Oooopsie, then all of a sudden your super dooper, bionic vagina snaps off the extension? Panty Uh-Oh!

Labia Lipstick
If you do not care for the color of your labial lips you can spruce things up a little with some festive color. Yes sir-ree, you heard me right. My New Pink Button is a temporary dye that promises to restore the pink in your purghy.
It comes in four different shades: Marilyn, Bettie, Audry, and Ginger.

I used to think it would fun to have the job of selecting the names of lipsticks and nail polish at a cosmetic company. Had I been in charge at the My Pink Button labs, I would have suggested, Coochie Coral, Pinkest of Pink Pussy, Mellow Melon Man eater, or even, Revirginized Reddish. I am sure when you combine all of the above mentioned techniques in "self improvement" it only aggravates the delicate balance that is the vaginal area. After waxing I doubt I would want to coat the chapped and raw skin with a labial lipstick, unless it was called, Neutralizing Nude Nectar. I guess this is the female equivalent of anal bleaching or our we supposed to do both? Acccckkkkkk. The pressure to be pretty is fierce, isn't it?

Clitter
In my research for this post, I discovered a legit term for the product used to add a bit of flair, down there. If you like a shiny and sparkly snapper, there is clitter. The body glitter designed exclusively for your, well, you know. Clitter is all the shimmer without the glued on stones and crystals of the more pricey vajazzling. I would tend to believe it clittering would be downright messy. Note to parents of teen age boys: If you son comes home with glitter all over his face and mouth, there is a clittered co-ed to blame. I am sure clittering is popular with the Hannah Montana crowd.

The term is real but this parody from You Tube just makes my wildly sarcastic and hilarious point better than I ever could.There really are ladies that are labia clittering. At first I thought it was some sort of sext messaging service like twitter, but I was way off. Again.

Twitter, Twatter, Clitter, Clotter- let's call the whole thing off.

Menstruate Like a Fashionista Diva
For all the high maintenance ladies in da house, now you can have your period in pure style. Pantzies offers designer inspired panty liners! I doubt Coco Chanel would endorse something so gross, may she rest in peace. So, Buh Bye Bye Kotex, hello posh Pantzies. Isn't time you can bled and discharged on something pretty?

Who wants a plain old white liner when you can have the stunning leopard print? Again, if I were in charge of the sassy names and styles, we would have, Leaking over Lilly Pulitzer with a floral pink and green liner, Bleeding on Burberry in a Nova Check print, or Period Pucci with swirls of mod color and retro flair. This is why I am blogging not really working FULL TIME in a REAL JOB. As if.

Camel Toe Camouflage
If your trousers are so tight that you suffer from the dreaded camel toe, it is about time to take matters into your own hands.
Camel toe is no longer a problem! The Cuchini is the answer.

From the company website: "The Cuchini is a comfortable, light-weight material that adheres to any undergarment (panties, bikini, sports attire, etc). It smoothes the ridges of a woman’s mons pubis area providing a smooth and camouflaged appearance. This eliminates what is commonly known as "Camel Toe." The Cuchini products are designed by women to provide comfort and convenience. As we have evolved, hair down there is a thing of the past. As the landing strip and Brazilian wax have become prominent in today's world, there is no bush for the cush."

So basically, It’s a two sided sticky pad you put inside of your uber sexy, skin tight clothing to prevent your ravenous vajajay jay from eating your panties into oblivion, causing camel toe. Why is it I hear the Go-Go's singing, Our Lips are Sealed? No longer will you be forced to wear clothing in the proper size, now, you can squeeze your cooch into the slim fits without a care in the world. Camel toe is now a problem on the Arabian animals will endure. American women are too sophisticated for that, right?

OY VEY, could you imagine if the Cuchini and the Pantzies folks combined forces? There would be a chic camel toe solution that is aesthetically pleasing. Hooray! Two absorbent and fashion forward problem solving products rolled into one.

Vulva, the original scent
And for my men readers, if you decided to stick around....there is a new perfume designed for your pleasure.At first I thought this was a joke or a spoof, but sadly, it is for reals. Have you heard of VULVA, the original, enticing vaginal scent in a roll on applicator? You can now just use this product to carry around the beguiling sweet scent of your most prized possession, the vagina. I really wish I had made this one up. I would make a wise crack about how you can get this product for Free, but that too, is pretty nasty. Jeff and his buddies could have been onto something in high school. Literally, on to something. Right Silvan? Ewwwwwww, see, honey, you totally missed the calling- you and Silvan could have been the kings of the Vulva Original Scent if you had only known.

If any of my fearless readers know of additional methods of reducing the vagina to a fashion statement, please keep them to yourself. I am already way behind in my decorating projects over here. After all, I have back to school projects, volunteer efforts, gluten free cooking, blogging and parenting to do. How will I ever find the time to custom Helene-ize my Hoo Ha?


For those of you who are new to my blog and aren't sure if I am for real, you should know I am a wicked sarcastic witch, and I find all of this vagina make over stuff revolting in real life.
Thanks,
Love,
The Queen

2 comments:

Triplets+3=Crazy said...

Thank You Helene! You made me laugh so hard I cried! Which also made my pee a little. I must run out now and get me some Vulva scented Pantzies I hope the come in extra absorbent! I wonder if the PantyO can fix that? If not maybe I can just cover it all up with some Clitter..with kitty litter!?!?!

Texas Mom of Twins said...

Speaking from 'experience' its alot of fun walking around with a hidden disco ball shining design down there!

And...they are pretty cheap to buy and do yourself -- only $3.00 each. That's really cheap entertainment for the hubby!

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