Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Stop the Insanity an open letter to our Kindergarten Teachers

I tend to boast about how respectful and mannered my children are- most of the time. We have our share of proud moments and lately, the snarky comments are grating on my every last nerve.

I am counting down the days until Kindergarten starts. Counting down with an evil grin as each day draws us closer and closer to my personal heaven.

I admit it, my children are testing my limits and strengths to no end. I am hanging on by a thread here. Some days caffeine from morning to dusk is not enough. Martinis with dinner are no longer cutting it. I need the big guns: VALIUM with a DOM PERIGNON chaser, like in the good old days. Damn that Child Protective Services, they have no sense of humor.

Here is a sample of the kid dialogue this week, so far:

"You can't be in my club because you were not born on October 2!"

"This is the boys club"

"This is the girls club"

"This club is only for pirates, argh, ARRRRGGGGHHHH!"

"Mommie, CJ is looking at me!"

"Don't sit there, I was sitting there yesterday, that is my seat!"

"I need some candy." "Me too, me three, me four!"

"Charlotte, do not do it that way, that way is for babies!"

"May I please have juice?"
"May I please have milk?"
"May I please have chocolate milk"
"May I please have water?"
(all at the same time, like I am a waitress)

"You are poopy underwear."

"I do not want the pink fork, pink is Eli's color."

"That looks like potty water."

"Mommie, Natalie is thinking about me in her imagination, tell her to stop thinking about me."

"That is not fair."

"I do not need to go to bed, I am not tired."

"Knock Knock, Who's there- (insert stupid, meaningless words here) then repeat forty times."

"Can I have a snack?" (4534 times a freaking day)

"Where is my (insert random fifty cent, piece of shit, happy meal type toy from 7 months ago), I can't find it.

"Where are we going today, When will be be there?" (asked every ten minutes, all day)

"You can't come in here unless you know the secret password."
(then mass hysteria ensues when the child does not guess the password after 659 tries)

Lately, I have been composing a letter to the Kindergarten staff. I dictate the letter in my head throughout the day, and every day my letter gets a bit more refined. So far, I have this as my rough draft-

Dear Kindergarten Teachers-

Please accept my triplets into your classroom and keep them from 8:30-2:30 Monday through Friday. I am sure they will seem well mannered, polite, darling and curious at first. Do not let their charm fool you though, they are willing to drive you bat shit crazy if you let them. I know you will do a most excellent job of helping them learn and grow and for that I can't thank you enough. Their school supply list did not make mention of duct tape or bungee cords, please let me know if you need any as we have an enormous supply available. Thanks again, and you can bet we will be on time every day at drop off.

The Queen


Alicia said...

I love this post and I totally feel for you. The one that resonated with me the most was that someone didn't want the pink fork b/c pink is Eli's color. This kind of battle goes on in my house all the time. Early on we made Sam = Blue and Will = anything but blue. So last night there were 2 cupcakes. One blue one for Mommie and one orange one for them to split. Sam would NOT eat his 1/2 of the cupcake b/c it was "Will's orange cupcake" and damned if I was going to share my blue one. Cue hysterics.

Helene Eichenwald Slutsky said...

Alicia, after I typed that post, there was a battle over a toothbrush- a brand new, still in the package from Eli's dental appt earlier in the week. CJ claimed it was his, then Eli claimed it was his, then Natalie said it had to be hers because it had Kilan on it? I listened to them for ten minutes when I finally walked into the bathroom asked Eli if in fact his dentist gave him that toothbrush, he said yes, I handed it over to him, and that was that.

Seriously, what was so hard to figure out!


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