Thursday, December 10, 2009

Jewish Mother of 6 accused of being Cocaine Drug Lord of New Albany, Ohio

I can see the headlines now. Helene Slutsky, Jewish mother of 6 in New Albany, Ohio was arrested on suspected drug trafficking charges when her neighbors called the police after seeing her bagging kilos of cocaine in her garage.

I am sure I looked a bit suspicious while dividing, measuring,

weighing and ziploc bagging 50 pounds of white, powdery Gluten Free Flour. The street value of the flour is about $150 which is about 5 times the price of the gold medal crap you can buy at the grocery store. I don't have to cut this blend it is already pre-mixed to perfection.

I have to divide and deliver "the goods" because I am splitting it up for my fellow gluten free friends. This special blended all purpose flour is essential for gluten free baking and cooking. Anyone who is anyone in the gluten free world knows the importance of this powdered flour. It is highly coveted and expensive much like the addictive drug of choice in the early 1980's. I am like a gluten free flour dealer not a cocaine drug lord. So if the security cameras are rolling in various parking lots around town, I am pretty confident I might get busted.

I decided to protect my innocence by making Avery sticker labels for the 5lb ziploc bags. This will hopefully deter legal action should my hot rod mini van get pulled over in the ghetto parts of New Albany or at the Gahanna parking lot of Kohl's, right Judy? My Got Triplets Plus One decal on the back window is a great decoy to my alleged cocaine smuggling. To the cops I appear to be just another soccer mom, but little do they know I am an elusive Gluten Free Flour Dealer.

Now, who wants some of the good stuff? I will offer you a sample just to get you hooked. All you need is a little taste and you will keep coming back for more!


Nothing shocks me anymore... said...

This is cracking me up. Back in my *CPS* days I took custody of a few little ones who were in a home where drug dealing and a whole lotta bad was going down.. come to find out the *dealer* was scamming his clients with baking soda!

Michele S said...

Listen here Jewish mama, I just tried to call you. The kids made dreidals (?) in class today. You have no idea how much fun making 26 construction paper dreidals are. So the teacher and I didn't know how to play them.

"Do you know what these Hebrew characters stand for?"

And she was all, NO, I am Polish Catholic from Chicago.

So now the poor gentiles will never know since you didn't answer!

Aaryn said...

I'll answer for you: on dreidles made outside of Israel there is:
nun for the word neis (miracle)
gimmel for gadol (big)
hey for haya (was/interpreted as happened)
shin for sham (there)
"a great miracle happened there"
for dreiels made in Israel they replace the shin with a pey for po (here) "a great miracle happened here"
when playing dreidle you spin and what you do is determined by what the dreidle lands on:
nun- nothing
gimmel- take the whole put
hey- take half of the pot
shin/pey- put one in

so there you go.... :)
happy chanuka......

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