Monday, November 30, 2009

Tis The Season

I read about my friend Michele's neighbor- the Christmas guy. I have seen National Lampoon's Christmas movie and I have lived next door to what I consider to be the all time, hands down, tackiest, merriest, and most over the top Christmas house ever.
It is hard to be in the Christmas spirit when you live right next door. Trust me.

In trying to show you the magnitutde of this house, I stumbled upon this video. It helps put some of the images in perspective, but not really. For about 6 years I lived next door to this:



The video does not do the grand and elaborate moving parts justice. But worse yet, it does not really showcase the sights and sounds of heavy traffic and idiots clogging up the street by parking their cars and tromping across my lawn to a closer look at this winter wonderland. The city made the street a one way for those 8 weeks, and during the season they posted NO PARKING signs on both sides of the street to keep the traffic moving. That did not stop people though. I lived in Hell from Thanksgiving until New Years and there were times when I would get home from working long, ridiculous hours at Nordstrom and want to wring some moron's neck for blocking me out of my own driveway. Tis the season to go ballistic on the neighbor, yes sirree. Clark Griswold would have been my dream naighbor compared to this.

My biggest beef with this whole Christmas chaos was the invasion of my privacy. The cars and tour bus loads (yes real tour buses of drunks and outta towners) would let their passengers get out and traipse across my front lawn (often really, really close to my front windows) causing my two Jack RussellsBeetle and Abbey Road to get all territorial with barking and going nuts.

I was a street fighter even before I met Jeff. I did not always get mad, I would just get even. There were nights when I could not take all the insanity, and my biggest complaint was the gobs of people tearing up the wet grass and reeking havoc with the dogs. I decided I had to do something to protect my turf (pun intended)- so I did what any self respecting homeowner could do. I collected my dog's poop in plastic bags every day. Times Two. I came back from walking them and promptly emptied the poop sacks along the curb in front of my house, right along side the signs that said, No Parking! I made sure there was a thick layer of dog crap along the perimeter of my yard. I took great pleasure in watching people park where the city clearly put up NO PARKING signs knowing that when they exited their vehicle they were going to step in some fresh doggie doo. In fact, it became such a source of joy to me that when my other neighbor four doors down the block, got a Great Dane,I made him deposit his dog's waste right along side my Jack Russell turds. It was my bah-humbug revenge.

So if you think you got it bad with crazy Christmas houses, I would beg to differ. Try to top this. You can't. So when Jeff asked me to marry him and move to Columbus, you can see why I did not want to wait until Novemeber to put my house on the market. I listed and sold it in February after I shoveled my share of shit off the lawn. Merry Christmas Y'all!

12 comments:

Nothing shocks me anymore... said...

OH MY! I think I would go crazy also. My cousin said this year was the first year in the last 12 years they had a peaceful fall. There was a guy 2 blocks down who made a haunted house on his property that lasted for over a month. It ruined parking for blocks, caused ruckus, upset the animals.. The only reason for the peace was the man died...

ree said...

You ARE my hero!

Michele S said...

OMG! That is unbelievable. Greg would have lost his mind and been inprisoned for killing Jesus or Santa.

What would motivate a person to be so f'n crazy?

The Wright Trips said...

Okay, those pictures completely creeped me out. It didn't look very wonderland-y to me. Yikes.

Nancy said...

thanks for the chuckle. i can image people trying to scrape off the poop and then they have to drag their dirty shoe into their cars and put the heat on and OMG LMAO the smell.

MAtriplets2001 said...

HILARIOUS! Where did you live? I would love to take my kids to see it, and now that you are gone is it okay to park in front? (kidding)

HOA Mgr Lady said...

OMY GOSH I live in hell from the 1st weeekend in December (THIS weekend) until New Years as well. We are the Holiday Lane neighborhood since the 1950's version closed down in the town next door from me and kindly GAVE all their tacky's 1950's and 1960's Holiday CRAP to our neighbors. The parking is horrendous for those few weeks and I dread going home and picking up their trash every morning. Halloween in our historical neighborhood is just one day and I can take that but it makes me go stark raving mad each December. I feel your pain!

Beckie said...

I just found your blog from Triplet's Plus One. I viewed your video montage and your kids are adorable! I have to know though, where did you find that triplet doll stroller? I just had triplet girls this summer & I know I'll be thinking about this stroller non-stop in a couple of years!

Helene Eichenwald Slutsky said...

The triplet doll stroller was from FAO Schwarz a few years ago. It is by far the sturdiest and most realistic doll stroller ever. When Charlotte was born the triplets wanted to push her in it and I think they could have. You can't buy them new anymore, but they are on ebay once in a while.

Good luck and enjoy!

Anonymous said...

I drove by your old house tonight and the next door neighbors display is not quite a gaudy as in previous years. But wait - your old house and tne next one down the street are now big time holdiay displays with lots of lights, etc....

_Papa_

Laura H. said...

that is hysterical! thank you for the laugh of your getting even.

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

This has got to be the greatest Christmas Revenge story that I have ever heard! You are an evil genius. I love it! :)

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