I read about my friend Michele's neighbor- the Christmas guy. I have seen National Lampoon's Christmas movie and I have lived next door to what I consider to be the all time, hands down, tackiest, merriest, and most over the top Christmas house ever.
It is hard to be in the Christmas spirit when you live right next door. Trust me.
In trying to show you the magnitutde of this house, I stumbled upon this video. It helps put some of the images in perspective, but not really. For about 6 years I lived next door to this:
The video does not do the grand and elaborate moving parts justice. But worse yet, it does not really showcase the sights and sounds of heavy traffic and idiots clogging up the street by parking their cars and tromping across my lawn to a closer look at this winter wonderland. The city made the street a one way for those 8 weeks, and during the season they posted NO PARKING signs on both sides of the street to keep the traffic moving. That did not stop people though. I lived in Hell from Thanksgiving until New Years and there were times when I would get home from working long, ridiculous hours at Nordstrom and want to wring some moron's neck for blocking me out of my own driveway. Tis the season to go ballistic on the neighbor, yes sirree. Clark Griswold would have been my dream naighbor compared to this.
My biggest beef with this whole Christmas chaos was the invasion of my privacy. The cars and tour bus loads (yes real tour buses of drunks and outta towners) would let their passengers get out and traipse across my front lawn (often really, really close to my front windows) causing my two Jack RussellsBeetle and Abbey Road to get all territorial with barking and going nuts.
I was a street fighter even before I met Jeff. I did not always get mad, I would just get even. There were nights when I could not take all the insanity, and my biggest complaint was the gobs of people tearing up the wet grass and reeking havoc with the dogs. I decided I had to do something to protect my turf (pun intended)- so I did what any self respecting homeowner could do. I collected my dog's poop in plastic bags every day. Times Two. I came back from walking them and promptly emptied the poop sacks along the curb in front of my house, right along side the signs that said, No Parking! I made sure there was a thick layer of dog crap along the perimeter of my yard. I took great pleasure in watching people park where the city clearly put up NO PARKING signs knowing that when they exited their vehicle they were going to step in some fresh doggie doo. In fact, it became such a source of joy to me that when my other neighbor four doors down the block, got a Great Dane,I made him deposit his dog's waste right along side my Jack Russell turds. It was my bah-humbug revenge.
So if you think you got it bad with crazy Christmas houses, I would beg to differ. Try to top this. You can't. So when Jeff asked me to marry him and move to Columbus, you can see why I did not want to wait until Novemeber to put my house on the market. I listed and sold it in February after I shoveled my share of shit off the lawn. Merry Christmas Y'all!
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