Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Let's Play Questions and Answers about the Duggar Family

A few questions and answers about the Duggar family, because I. Just. Can't. Leave. It. Alone. I am sure if I used aqua net on my bangs and wore a long to the ground jeans skirt, I might be getting Duggar Dialogue instead of Gosselin Gab when out in public. Alas, it is time to play questions and answers...who is ready?

Q: How do Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar plan to afford college tuition for all 19 children?

A: Not a problem! Well, at least not for their female offspring. The Duggars have adamantly maintained that their daughters will not be permitted to attend college. Instead, the girls are home-schooled (their curriculum seems to feature a healthy dose of child rearing, cooking and cleaning). This lack of formal education might be a blessing in disguise, since even the most remedial math course might lead the Duggar girls to figure out that their mother has been pregnant for 12 of her 42 years. Yowza. And as for the boys, well, they probably can already add up that Daddy and Momma use two cans of aerosol hairspray a week at $3.50 a can.

Q: While Michelle pursues her career as a full-time fetus factory, what sort of work does Jim Bob do to put bread on the table?

A: Jim Bob (no shit, that's really his name), is a former Arkansas state representative (the same legislative body once passed a motion to pray for H L Mencken’s soul after he called the state "The Apex of Moronia") and the Lah, lah, LOSER of a 2002 bid for U.S. Senate. He currently works as a real estate agent (and we all know how lucrative that market is right now) and owns several commercial properties.

Of course there are the fine folks at TLC who choose to film this family freak show and pay for finalizing the construction of their home, oops, I meant, compound, errrr, home, no wait, I mean Church. (see below)

Taxes are not an issue, as the Duggars have had their home declared a church. No word as to whether or not Jim Bob refers to his penis as "The Steeple." One thing is for sure though, between the sheets someone is praying to God and is moaning, Oh God, Oh God, Oh Jesus! Oh Baby, Oh Baby, Oh God, Oh Jesus.

Q: Do all of the Duggar childrens' names really begin with the letter "J"?

A: Does an Arkansas man named Jim Bob shit in the woods? In addition to Jordyn-Grace, there are Joshua, 20; Jana, 18; John-David, 18; Jill, 17; Jessa, 16; Jinger, 14; Joseph, 13; Josiah, 12; Joy-Anna, 11; Jeremiah, 9; Jedidiah, 9; Jason, 8; James, 7; Justin, 6; Jackson, 4; Johannah, 3; and Jennifer, 1. and now, #19 is on the way!

Future baby names are likely to include Jeewhiz Jim BOb Fathered another Duggar, Jumping Jee-hosifat Duggar, Jeeezus Christ enough already Duggar and finally, Justonemore Duggar.

Q: I read that Jim Bob called his newest daughter "the ultimate Christmas gift from God." Is this true?

A: No. The ultimate Christmas gift from God is a 60" Plasma Screen Tv From Costco and a vasectomy.

Q: Was #19 a planned pregnancy? (roll eyes and laugh hysterically here)

A: Even after having eighteen real life experiences to notice the tell tale signs, Michelle says this pregnancy came as a shock.(this is where I say, gimme an effing break)“I was on Weight Watchers and I wasn’t losing any weight,” she says. “I couldn’t figure it out. I was doing what I should. I’m not cheating on my diet, I should be losing weight.’ OMG....DUH? A Rocket Scientist she is not.

Michelle decided to take a home-test to be sure, and a few seconds later her problem was solved. “I told Jim Bob and he couldn’t keep it in. He was so excited,” she recalls. “The kids were outside and we had to share the news. There was all this screaming and yelling.” and then there was a media circus, a few calls to a PR firm, and the reality that their first grandchild would be older than one its' aunts or uncles and plans for a videotaped road trip vacation called 19 and counting, the journey to repopulate Arkansas. Only in the Ozarks- I seriously could not make this shit up.

Q: Doesn't this story get old every year when the Duggar's announce another "blessing?"

A: Awwww, hell no, it is not old news, according to the baby daddy, the miracle of life never gets old! Tell that to Michelle's uterus! That poor thing has been holding up a white flag since baby #10 and nobody is listening. When baby #19 is about to come somersaulting out, Michelle's uterus is going to grab hold of the forceps while screaming "TAKE ME WITH YOU!" The uterus and cervix of steel are going to retire taking some ovaries and tubes as hostages. PUHLEEZ, it is NEWS people, news and entertainment all rolled into one.

Fortunately for my readers, I do not judge and I reserve the right to use others pleasure and pain for my blog entertainment. This is just too good to pass up. I swear I am not jealous, spiteful or mean spirited, I am just one of those evil Jewish Educated women you might read about if you went to college. Got any other questions?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was great! I really enjoyed it!

Michele S said...

That is the funniest post I've read in forever. HILARIOUS!

Anonymous said...

You should have your own radio talk show, I'd tune you in every day. HILARIOUS!

Deanna said...

Freakin' hilarious!!

theobrienbunch said...

This is hysterical. Where were you when we were duking this mess out on the TC? This is so perfect!!!!

Anonymous said...

YOU NO WHAT THIS IS THE MOST DISRESPECTFUL THING EVER HOW ABOUT IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY THAT WAY. SHOW SOME RESPECT AND GROW UP THEY ARE NOT SPEAKING BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU SO WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE SPEAKING EVIL THING ABOUT THEM THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD TODAY PEOPLE WANTS TO PICK ON PEOPLE WHO SHARE DIFFERENT VIEW YOU NEED TO PICK ON THE PEOPLE THAT ARE TEARING THEIR FAMILY APART (EX. GOSSILEN) NOT THE PEOPLE WHO DO EVER THING IN THERE POWER TO KEEP THEIR FAMILY TOGETHER EVEN IF YOU DON’T AGREE WITH IT.

GrandmaG said...

Well, OK. I am a Houston, Texas Grandmother of triplets. After a hard days work - yes, I still work - I come home and check the blog to see if my little precious ones have done anything brilliant and new, like, walk, talk, fly to the moon or something - nevermind that they live 15 minutes away and i see them all the time ...and I have so little to do -Not! - that I look at blogs of strangers....
And this one has me laughing out loud. Opps, I mean LOL. Thanks! Sorry about the party pooper who thinks you're mean spirited and evil. Disrespectful? Sure. But funny as hell. Keep it up. I'll keep lurking.

theobrienbunch said...

ANNONYMOUS REALLY HAS SOMETHING THERE AND AFTER ALL WITH ALL THE CAPS AND MISSPELLED WORDS AND MISUSE OF PUNCTUATION HOW CAN YOU NOT BE IMPRESSED WITH THE LOGIC BEHIND THE EXPLANATION I FOR ONE CANT WAIT TO READ THIS PERSONS RESPONSES TO YOUR OTHR CONTROVERSAL POSTS I LOVE IT ALL CAPS NOPUNCUATION AND MISSPELLED WORDS ALL MOST MORE THAN I LOVE DUMBASS RESPONSES I CANT WAIT CANT WAIT CANT WAIT SERIOUSLY CAN YOU POST SOMETHING DISRESPECTFUL AGAIN SO WE CAN SEE THE WORDS OF WISDOM I AM IN SUSPENSE TRULY AND I AM NOT SPELLCHECKING OR EDITING THIS BEAUTY IN ANY WAY AS THAT SEEMS TO BE THE CORRECT WAY TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS

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