Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My Old Life versus My New Life- who wants to play What Not To Wear and the Millionaire Matchmaker?

I have a few guilty pleasures when it comes to my spare time...spare time. HA! I admit to watching The Millionaire Matchmaker, on Bravo. I guess I am blogging about this today because after watching this season I am convinced I could have hosted this show and had a thriving business myself- I was ahead of my time. I am a gentler but equally as assertive Patti Stanger, only shorter, and with better boobies. The host of the Millionaire Matchmaker is a woman you love to hate but still have to love and respect.

Back in the day I was a personal shopper for Nordstrom. I was obsessed with helping re-glam my clients and I was great at getting them to break free from their comfort zone, try a new look and even make them more marketable for their special situation. Sometimes this meant toning them down and often times it meant lighting a fire underneath them- it was all in a days work. At the same time I was wardrobing clients at Nordies, I was single and fixing up everyone I knew with everyone else I knew- and I was good at that too. It was a daily combo of Yenta and Personal Shopper. So while I was making my clients look fabulous I was also trying to hook them up with my nice single friends. I seemed to just have a decent radar for people in general.

If reality television had existed then, I would have had an entertaining show- it would have been a cross between What Not to Wear and The Millionaire Matchmaker- and it would have made television history. But back then, there were only books about "The Rules" and women like me were considered bitches because we spoke the truth even if it meant saying, "I would never date someone with a velcro wallet." I was considered picky and too ritzy because I was turned off by poor manners and lack of basic etiquette in men. If these same men would have accepted my coaching they would have been desirable for the women that followed me but instead they continued to take huge tugging bites out of their dinner rolls-putting a roll back on the bread plate with a huge bite mark out of it and they used their forks and knives like lawn implements or cut their steak like they were using a saw. It was a turn off to me and I know I was not alone.

Who knew you could become a celebrity by showing women how to look sexier & slimmer and helping clueless and socially inept men court respectable ladies? I gave so much dating advice in those dressing rooms- ugh, if I had only known there was a career in it? Where was reality tv and the internet back then? I could have run circles around the Millionaire Matchmaker back then. And remember, I have nicer tits.

After taking my own advice I learned from my own mistakes and I finished dating my share of assholes. I got serious about settling down with a nice Jewish boy, and shazzzam, I found myself a husband and damn fine man, on J-date. My own filter for the losers and scammers was able to sift through the crap and select a gem right on my home computer monitor. Gee thanks J-Date. If I could do it why were my friends having such a hard go of it? How come so many of my beautiful women friends were struggling and why were all of my guy friends having such a rough go of it? Perhaps I needed to coach them too.

So what is my point in all this? I watch Patti Stanger and it makes me a little sad. A little Sad. Sad because as I view all the couples on her show and I see a bit of myself in all of them. I used to be them. I know that they are just looking for what I already have-REAL LOVE. I am genuinely happy, married to a wonderful man, I have a crazy huge loving family and I am okay with my choices. It feels good. I did not settle for less. While I sit in my own living room watching Bravo there is a part of me that wonders what would have happened if I had not taken my own advice and found someone worthy? Would I have ended up on some dumb cable show looking for love with the help of an assertive bitch much like myself?

I see myself in Patti who is preaching the gospel to her clients only to have her words fall on deaf ears. I hear her telling the bachelors the same shit I used to tell my single guy friends. Patti has some of my schtick and for that I love her. So my dear blog readers, I want a second chance at my old career. There I said it. I miss my old days of helping people look better and finding love. Come on Silvan I know you are reading this.

Anyone out there want to go shopping and then get fixed up on a blind date? I miss my old life sometimes and wouldn't it be fun to play with the original What not to wear girl? Who is ready?

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